Another Definition
by lilabut
Summary: not continued
1. Do you call this fun?

**So, this is a oneshot I wrote for my collection of Jacob/Bella oneshots **_Cloudburst_**, but I decided to turn this into a full story.**

**I own nothing, everything belongs to the incredible Stephenie Meyer.**

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If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.

**Hermann Hesse**

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„Jacob Black! Let go of me!"

My voice was high-pitched and sharp, a reflection of pure anger and hate pulsing through my veins, making my blood boil and my limbs tremble.

"Jacob!"

I had no chance at all, ensnared as I was, hold tight by Jacobs massive arms, pressed against the insanely hot side of his stomach. In a pathetic attempt to free myself I tried to push Jacob away from me, struggling in his grip as he pulled me through the staring crowd of people. All their eyes seemed to pierce into my every pore and the unfamiliar anger inside me reached new heights. This was certainly not the way I had wanted my night to end. This so far amazing night.

"Jacob!"

Pretending to not have heard me, he dragged me toward the back door of the old warehouse, speeding up with every step he took. This caused me to trip over my feet several times, still there was no way to fall down since I was pressed so tightly against his huge body.

Aggression now reached my fingers and I pierced my nails deep into Jacobs forearm with all the force I could gather, knowing it would not bother him at all.

Instead he continued to ignore me and when we reached the doors, he kicked it open with his bare foot, stepping outside into a dark side street.

Cold wind blew against my sweat-covered face when he dragged me through the doorframe and kicked it closed behind him again. I felt my hair stick against my forehead and cheeks, my body still trembling violently.

"Jacob Black! Let – go – of – me!"

Pronouncing every word with a punch in Jacobs stomach, he finally loosened his hold on me.

"Stop that Bella, before you hurt yourself," he said with a steady voice, but I could very clearly define the slight tremble in it, the way his fingers were shaking almost unrecognisable. This was dangerous. I knew that. Still that was no valid reason for me to stop. Never before had I felt so angry.

"What the hell were you thinking? Why are you doing this?"

I was still yelling at him, seeing no reason to lower my voice. He deserved this.

"Same question," he answered with more anger in his own voice now, staring down at me, his hands still wrapped around my wrists. The darkness made it almost impossible for me to see properly, but one thing I did realize was the deep black in his eyes, the piercing anger in them. A mirror of my own, I supposed.

"I was having fun. So who do you think you are to just appear out of nowhere and play daddy?"

"I think your definition of fun has slightly changed over the past hours. That was not ´fun´, Bella."

"Yes it was. So let go of me. I want to go back."

Even before my feet had the chance to move an inch Jacob pushed me against the brick wall behind me, holding my wrists next to my heaving chest.

"STOP!"

"You are not going back there. I'll take you home. So stop fighting."

For a few seconds I hesitated, considering my chances and the danger erupting from Jacob. A danger I had never really consciously thought about before.

He was always my _sun_ and my friend, never a threat to my eyes. But he was. No matter what, his self-control was just as fragile as my bones compared to his.

Then again, my own safety was unimportant to me. He would not hurt me.

"You are neither my brother nor my father Jacob. So stop acting as though you were."

"That´s not what I'm doing."

"Then what is that?"

"I'm just trying to save you."

"From what? Having fun? I thought you wanted me to be happy again."

I could clearly feel Jacobs hand trembling over my skin when he took a deep breath, still towering over me, holding me close against the cold wall.

"Bella, not like this!"

"What?"

"You weren´t having fun in there. You were getting yourself into something you would have regretted later. This is not YOU Bella. So don´t pretend anything. I know you better."

"You think way too much of yourself, Jacob. Don´t you think I deserve to let go and have fun, no matter how? Or do you want me to stay broken so you can continue to fix me and play the tragic hero?"

The sarcasm in my voice was killing and I felt Jacobs grip tighten, burning my skin.

"Don´t say that Bella," he said with pain in his voice, pain I could not care about at the moment.

"You just try to bind me to you. You try to be so mature and caring and everything. Well, do you know that you don´t understand anything? How could you.."

Silence.

The only thing I heard was the rapid beating of my heart, my and Jacobs heavy breathing and the muted echoes of music from the old building next to us.

"I guess I can not blame you for that. Since your drunk. And that's why I'll take you home now. Charlie will be very pleased indeed. And maybe you think about what you just said tomorrow. You won't ever have to see me again if that's what you wish."

I had expected pain or at least a hint of it in his voice, but there was nothing. Instead it was calm and even, the trembling slightly fading. And it made me even angrier.

"That would be fine with me. But you will not take me home. You're not responsible for me. No need to pretend then anymore. I hate you. Let go of me. Or I'll call for help"

"You don´t think anybody would hear you, do you?"

He was right, though I would never admitted that. I looked up into his face, only vaguely recognizable in the dark and my heartbeat was suddenly increasing speed.

For a heartbeat nothing happened. My breathing stopped and so did my heart, time was over, everything that WAS were Jacobs eyes, only a mere hand away from me, piercing into my own eyes, full of pain and anger.

He was a good liar in the dark. His eyes betrayed him, though.

Then, before I even realized my own decision, I crushed my lips on his. Fire crawled through my veins, making me boil, stars appearing behind my closed eyelids and the heat of Jacobs soft lips burned my lips, dry from the awful air in the old ware house.

The only thing I could possibly image to be similar to what I felt at that moment was to be struck by lightning. Never before had such electricity been running through me, switching off my brain and making my body feel like a weapon to me, something which belonged to someone else or was out of my control.

A second passed, a second in which Jacob was stiff and taken aback by my action.

But then the electricity in me took control over him as well and I moaned when he started to kiss me back with more passion than I had ever thought possible. His lips moved feverishly against my own, the friction even increasing the intense heat between us.

Jacobs fingers, still wrapped around my wrists, grabbed brutally tight when I traced his bottom lip with my tongue, begging him for entrance. He did not just grant it, he answered with such force that my load moan got lost in his mouth, mixing with his hot breath. The scent of wood and damp forests filled my mouth when his own tongue plunged into me, making my knees feel like jelly.

All of a sudden, my hands were free and I felt their former chains, burning hot, on my waist, pushing me closer against the wall.

The bricks hurt my back but I didn't care, didn't even really feel the pain at all. All I felt and saw and heard was Jacob, Jacobs tongue dancing with mine, our breathing heavy and loud, his soft lips roughly brushing over my own, his hands grabbing my waist.

Desperately trying to hold on to something I put my arms around Jacobs neck, pulling him closer to me. He took that as a hint and I suddenly felt the ground leaving underneath my feet and before I understood what had happened I was pinned against the wall by Jacobs body, the heat overwhelming me.

I ripped my lips away from Jacobs and moaned louder than before, wrapping my legs around his waist. The moment I felt his own need for me through his jeans against my core Jacobs hands grabbed my wrists once again, pinning my arms above my head and lowering his head to my neck.

My eyes rolled back into my head when his tongue drew small circles on my pulse point, my whole body trembling with desire and need.

This was going way too slow so I decided to take the lead. I tightened my legs around Jacobs waist and grounded my hips against his erection. Both of us moaned at the sensation and Jacob released my hands again while his lips found mine.

As our tongues continued their dance I stroked my hands over Jacobs bare chest, feeling every muscle twitch underneath my touch. Jacob mirrored my actions and a low scream escaped my mouth, muffled by Jacobs mouth, when his hands cupped my breasts, gently massaging them. A shiver ran down my spine, apart from all the killing heat surrounding us.

With all the force I had I parted our lips, tracing Jacobs lips with my tongue before kissing his jaw, grinding my hips against his once again. The incredible pleasure running through my body took control over me and my hands moved lower, tracing the outline of Jacobs jeans.

While I placed kisses all over Jacobs shoulder I quickly opened his belt, moaning loudly when Jacobs hand moved underneath my shirt, cupping my breasts again.

I closed my eyes, concentrating on the overwhelming amount of sensations running through my body when I felt Jacobs hot breath against my neck and his hands slowly retreated from my breasts, causing me to whimper about the loss of contact.

He chuckled slightly and I felt it through his chest. About to say something for the first time, the words were stuck in my throat when Jacobs hands moved underneath my skirt and up my thighs, setting my skin on fire.

I threw my head into my neck and my nails pierced into the muscles of Jacobs abdomen, before I pulled his jeans and boxers down, helping myself with my feet.

Jacobs groaned and pushed himself further against the wall, trapping me in his heat. He caught the waistband of my panties and ripped it apart, letting it fall to the ground. I put my arms around his neck again, catching his lips in another breathtaking kiss, his tongue invading my mouth with even more passion than before. My legs wrapped tighter around his waist and when his tip touched my entrance, we both groaned into each others mouths.

There was no way back now and stopping was the last thing on my mind.

Jacob grabbed my hips in his huge hands and entered me in one thrust, pushing me up the wall and breaking my barrier.

My lips left his immediately and I screamed, piercing my fingernails into his skin once again and my legs hurt because of the force with which I pressed them against Jacob. The agonizing pain mixed with otherworldly pleasure was too much for me. And I wanted more.

I moved my hips forward, taking Jacob even deeper, both of us groaning loudly as he caught my lips again, gently biting my bottom lips while he withdrew himself only to thrust back in with even more force than before.

My shirt had moved up a little and the bare skin of my back shoved against the bricks, causing me to scream again while I met Jacobs hard and swift thrusts.

His mouth was on my neck and, sucking the sensitive skin and drawing lines with his teeth, his force never faded.

My own hands moved into his black, smooth hair and when his next thrust pushed me up the wall even farther I pulled at it, pushing my hips forward, taking him in even deeper.

I lowered my head into the crook of Jacobs neck, pulling him closer to me while we met each other thrust by thrust.

My legs felt numb, the muscles burning, sweat ran down my forehead and the stinging pain in my back got worse, still I didn't want him to stop.

We both groaned each time we met and I scratched my nails over Jacobs broad back while his left hand moved from my hip under my shirt where he cupped my breast again.

Suddenly I felt my stomach twist and it felt as if something grew inside it, hot and breathtaking, making me grind my hips harder against Jacobs, both of us screaming in pleasure.

When Jacobs hand moved underneath my bra und stroked his fingers over my bare nipple, the knot in my stomach loosened and fire ran through my veins, burning my blood, making my heart beat twice the pace it had before. I felt myself tighten around Jacob and before my surely deafening scream would betray us, I sank my teeth into Jacobs shoulder, muffling it, my fingers desperately trying to hold on to him while my legs caged him deep inside me.

My whole body shivered and the sweat on my skin burned me like lava, adrenaline shooting through me and I felt strong and weak at the same time.

Jacobs reaction to my own height was just as intense. His whole body trembled, though this time it was not the wolf trying to break free but something else, something even stronger than the animal inside him.

His thrusts did not stop, instead they became even harder and faster as he tried to live every second of our intoxication.

The wolf inside him did not hide entirely though, Jacobs groans resembled an animal more than a human and when I felt my muscles relax and Jacob slowing down, I took my teeth away from his hot, salty flesh, lying my cheek against his shoulder instead.

Two more slow strokes was all it took for Jacob to be spent and he stood still, holding me against his brutally heaving chest. Our rapid heartbeats melted into one as they were so close to each other.

This was heaven and hell. We were two different pieces of the same thing, so very different and still so equal at this very moment.

It was violent tenderness and I never felt more alive.

No mistake. Just something that happened. Happened and remained.

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**So, please review and tell me what you think.**

**I will try to continue this as soon as possible and reviews are always a great motivation ;-)**


	2. Didn’t I Give Him A Chance Before?

**Thank you all for the encouraging reviews. **

**However, I don´t really like the way this chapter turned out. It was necessary though to introduce the following one.**

**I hope you enjoy it, though ;-)**

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I never saw a wild thing  
sorry for itself;  
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough  
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

**D. H. (David Herbert) Lawrence**

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I knew I was awake the moment my mind woke up from subconsciousness. The very moment I finished sleeping I felt a stinging wave of pain washing over me, making me wish to fall back into the world of dreams, as unpleasant and cruel as they might have been.

My head felt as if someone had thrown me against a brick wall, my pulse insanely loud in my ears. A pressure on my eyes prevented me from opening them, something inside me also telling me that the awaiting light would be an even harder torture to bear.

I could barely feel my arms and legs, numb as they were. All feelings in them concentrated on a slightly stabbing pain which seemed to flow from my neck to my toes.

But there were two other pains, much worse than everything else. Never before had my back hurt as it did right now. I wondered if there were needles underneath me and shuddered at the thought.

The pain mixed with the one in my lower stomach, a stinging pressure as if something had been ripped apart, was driving me insane.

What in the name of god was going on? Maybe I was still dreaming. Then again, I could not remember a dream in which pain had been so omnipresent.

So this must be reality. But why did it hurt so much?

Had I been in a car accident and just awoken from a long coma? No… there would be pain medication. Or maybe I was still in my car. No… I was laying on something smooth and soft, pleasant and warm.

My fingers twitched when memory struck me harder than the agonizing pain all over my body.

Vivid, blurry and rapid pictures appeared inside my head, loud and painful.

_Me, with a bottle in my hands._

_Me, in Mike Newton's arms._

_Me, dancing around like a maniac._

_Me, shouting into the microphone._

_Me, on a table._

_Me, kissing Eric on his cheek._

_Me, sharing a death-glare with Jessica as Mike carried me over to his table._

……_.._

_Jacob, crashing through the door early in the morning._

_Jacob, pulling me out of Taylor's lap._

_Jacob, dragging me out of the backdoor._

_Me and Jacob, fighting._

_Me…… kissing him….._

Me… and Jacob……

My eyes shot open, ignoring the flash of light penetrating my irises, my hands trembling. I sat up straight, moaning as I felt the stabbing in my back and stomach increase, blood pulsating behind my temples. My heart was beating fast and I felt my throat tightening.

My eyelids blinked uncontrolled as I slowly realized where I was. This was my room. My bed I was laying in. My house.

Unwillingly I wandered through my memories, searching for my way home. But the last thing in my blurry chain of memories was myself falling on my knees as my feet touched the ground, all strength leaving my body.

_It was him_, was all I thought, knowing without remembering what had happened after that.

He had taken me home.

I prayed that Charlie had not caught us. Being grounded would be a pleasure compared to his rage if he found out what had really happened. Me, drunk and out of control at Mike Newton's birthday party.

I should have known. Jessica had insisted on me to come, for whatever reason. And without thinking I had admitted. Why?

Another memory which was lost in the fuss of pain and blur.

For months I was keeping myself out of public, out of the life I should be living. And then I throw myself into it without any security. What else should have happened?

I took a deep breath and checked my clock. 3 p.m. Great.

Guilt washed through me and so I slowly let my legs drop out of my bed, pushing against the mattress with my numb fingers.

I violently pushed myself out of bed, immediately feeling dizzy as I stood. Walking was a challenge and the pain only got worse but I kept on telling myself that it would surely faint….

It didn't.

Two hours later I stood in the kitchen, my hands swollen and puffy from the warm water in which my hands were deeply sunken.

Doing the dishes had always been distracting, but today it didn't work it´s miracle. Instead it caused me to think about the rare memories which were left.

_Jacob…._

Why did I let this happen?

Wasn't it something I tried to avoid all the time, something I put all my fragile strength in?

Keeping him away from me, trying to make him forget me, making him see the non-existing chances, carefully destroying his dream of _us_. And now?

Now I destroyed everything with one single, thoughtless night. A singular step. One step too far. The kiss I should never have granted him. And all which followed it.

The thought of it made me shiver, my knees turning into jelly.

Why?

What was I supposed to do now? Just go and tell him that it was all a mistake?

No. More than anything else I wanted Jacob to be happy and hurting him was an impossibility.

My grip around a plate tightened as I realized that hurting Jacob was inevitable.

Tears gathered in my eyes as crucial images of our future forced themselves into my head. Us, broken and torn apart. Our friendship just another fading memory, overshadowed by a single mistake.

But was it a single mistake after all?

Hadn't there been too many occasions in which I let him reach out a bit more, too tired to keep on denying him his one and only wish – me ? Situations, as innocent and platonic as they might have been, in which I made have made him feel as if there was the possibility of _us_?

Was this a longshot?

A knock on the doors ripped me out of my sorrow and I turned around quickly, regretting it the moment my brain crashed against my skull, biting my nerves.

It was hell and I had already sworn to myself never to touch a bottle of alcohol again in my life.

The pain I felt when I looked out of the window however was even more sorely.

There was no car in the driveway. I knew who was at the door.

Someone who was probably in as much pain as me. Just that the difference was immense. The dominant part of my pain was physical.

His was the pain of the unknown.

Rejection? Acceptation?

A nightmare. One I had to face.

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**So, what do you think? Like it, hate it? Tell me ;-)**


	3. Maybe, After All, It Was My Fault Alone

**Sorry this took a whil, but I just couldn´t write. I tried to think of something, but it just didn´t work out. This, however, is exactly what I wanted the chapter to be like.**

**Your reviews really make my day and I want to thank you all again. You are awsome!**

**I hope you enjoy this, becuase it means a lot to me. It gave me a good idea of how to continue the story.**

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A memory lasts forever.  
Never does it die.  
True friends stay together.  
And never say goodbye.

**Anon**

**---------------------------------**

I saw his facial expression before I even opened the door. It was burned into my mind as sharp as a memory, though it was more like a prediction. And it was painful, because I knew it would be a reflection of my own, marked by pain and doubt.

My hands were shaking nervously as I slowly opened the front door and my eyes immediately found Jacob's.

There he stood, tall and handsome as always, wearing nothing but cut-off jeans, his growing hair a mess on top of his beautiful face. And as I had foreseen, all I saw as I looked into his deep, dark eyes was a questioning agony.

My own.

His.

Ours.

"Hey," was all he managed to say, his voice low and unusually high. He was nervous, probably just as much as I was.

"Hey," I answered and my eyes dropped to my feet in embarrassment.

"Can I… could.. come in?"

A part of me wanted to sent him away, never to return in order to hide my shame, but then there was the part in my heart that truly and always belonged to him. He was my best friend, after all, wasn't he?

And this was something we should talk over. No matter how hard and painful it might be.

Still my voice did not manage to be taken over by my determination and so I surrendered to it´s weakness and simply walked back into the kitchen without a backward glance at Jacob.

I could not hear him follow me, but I knew he did as I sat down at the kitchen table and mustered the wooden surface with more interest than it was worth.

A few minutes passed before I consciously noticed Jacob again. He sat down in front of me and with all my strength left, I raised my head to meet his gaze.

"I… Last night… we…. Maybe I should… you were… shit…this is…. Bella… I am so sorry."

Never before had I heard him stutter or show me any sign of weakness. But right now he sat here in my dad's kitchen, his eyes nervously flicking from my face to the table, to the window and back to my face, his voice broken and high-pitched, as far as that was possible, his fingers trembling with fear and not his lack of self-control. He was so human in this very moment. All I saw was the young boy which was still hidden somewhere beneath this muscular, powerful man he seemed to be in everybody's eyes.

For a second, we were Jacob and Bella again. Just as we had been until that very day which for Mike Newton and me ended with a stomach flu – for Jacob with a tremendous change in his life.

"What are you sorry for Jake?"

"You were drunk Bella."

"Well, yes.. but that not your fault. I should be sorry –"

He interrupted me before I had the chance to complete my sentence.

"That´s not what I mean. I had sex with you while you were drunk. That´s practically rape, Bella. I feel so bad. I lost control… I didn't… I wanted it so…. Much… I couldn't…"

His eyes were now constantly fixed on the table and his huge hands grabbed his jeans, desperately holding on to it.

"Stop that!"

"What?"

"Blaming yourself. Rape? Are you mad? I wanted that, too. At least, at that moment," I said while my voice grew more and more inaudible, finally not more than a whisper. He could hear it though, I was a hundred percent sure of that as I lifted myself off the chair and slowly walked over to kneel next to Jacob.

"Listen to me. I really have no idea what to say, but I know that I don´t want this to tear us apart. It already does and maybe we are not strong enough to face it. But I don´t want you to feel guilty. At least, not more than I do. This is _our_ fault. Not _yours_. Please, Jacob," I whispered as I reached my hand for his and gently brushed my fingers over his burning skin.

His grip loosened but I could still see the doubt in his eyes as he looked down at me.

"Bella… Even if.. if what you say is… is right.. we could not… I can never… forget that. You know that I… love you, right?"

I did know. He had told me before. Shown it to me before. So many times. And every time he did he did it with the knowledge that it did not change anything. It simply wasn't enough.

This time it was enough. But not in a positive way. I had finally given him too much. He knew it and so did I.

Tears gathered in my eyes and I didn't try to fight them as they slowly rolled down my flushed cheeks.

"Bells…"

"Don´t," I said rather harshly as Jacob moved his right hand out of mine and reached out to wipe the tears away.

He stopped immediately and I stood up, walking over to the counter and turned my back to him.

My breathing was fast and every breath burned my dry throat as I silently sobbed into the silence.

"Just tell me to leave. And I will."

"I don´t want you to leave, but you can't stay either. This is impossible, Jacob. We are impossible. We will never be. Please… understand me…"

"I do Bells, as much as I fight against it. I do understand."

Jacobs voce was muffled and as I slowly turned around to face him, I saw his eyes glistening with tears.

I couldn't bare it. Seeing him cry. It was my downfall. Finally, after all these months of fighting, I had broken him.

My eyes closed in an act of self-preservation and my fingers ached as I pressed them harder against the counter surface.

"Jacob… I think… it´s better if we don´t see each other for a while… not like this, at least. It´s not… this is not how things should be… we need time."

"Do you think we can be friends again? One day."

While I answered him I opened my heavy eyelids and tried to ignore the tears which were now streaming down Jacobs dark cheeks, causing my heart to shatter once more.

"We were never friends, Jacob."

He only nodded and before I could tell him goodbye, he walked out of the kitchen. My eyes were still fixed on the spot were he had been standing just a few seconds before, even as I heard the front door shut. I still saw his face. His tears. They mixed with mine, burning my face as I sank to my knees and leaned against the counter, silently sobbing into the fabric of my sweatpants as I rested my chin on my knees, my arms wrapping around my chest as my heart broke entirely.

Had I finally managed to sent away everybody I needed to be happy?

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**So, what do you think abaout it? I hope you liked it... even though it´s a bit depressing ;-)**


	4. Do I Really Want To Know The Truth?

**Thank you guys soooo much for all the encouraging reviews. They really make my day and are such an inredible motivation to keep on writing.**

**So, in this chapter we have Jacob´s POV for the first time. I kinda liked writing it, so be sure there will be more parts like these.**

**But let´s start wih Bella once again ;-)**

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One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

**Anon**

**------------------  
**

Bella

To me it was normal, used to and average. To all the others, it was torture. To everyone to whom I meant something. They were looking at me with cautious eyes, never letting me out of sight, afraid that this time, I might do something stupid, that there was no strength left inside of me to fight the darkness surrounding me.

And I, myself, could not quite tell how I was still there. Here. Alive after all.

I was breathing, I did what I always did. There were no sudden changes in my way of life. But in me.

There was no pain, no heart to be broken. A dull, grey fog now filled it´s place in my former aching chest. It was easy to live like that. Without emotion.

How simple life can be if you just forget all those influencing things. They were just confusing and heartbreaking.

And so, I did what I had promised myself to do. No matter how damaged I might be. For Charlie. For all the others. I lived.

It only seemed that they were not quite satisfied with that. But this time, nobody tried to save me. Instead they kept their mouths shut and all I recognized was the look on their faces.

What do I care? I do this for them. Not for me.. Not that I wanted to die.

No.

If there was another tremendous difference to last time, it was hope. And comprehension. This time I knew without a doubt, that it had been _my_ fault. No one left me this time. I sent him away. Me alone.

But the memory of him, the way his presence always glued together the tiny shatters of my heart whenever I saw him, it gave me the hope that carried me through every single day.

And those were long days, hours and hours consisting of decades of minutes and seconds, never did they seem to pass. I longed for sleep more than I could have thought possible in the last months. Then, I had been afraid to fall asleep, afraid of the agonizing images which used to take sleep away from me. But now, sleep was peaceful. It ripped me out of life for a few hours, resting me in pleasant nothingness. There were no dreams, neither nightmares.

Compared to last time, I was now fully aware of my surrounding. I heard and saw just as if everything was normal. I missed nothing important. Not the pain on Charlie's face, not the latest gossip in school. Just that I didn't care. I couldn't. Though Charlie's pain caused a stabbing where my heart should have been, but since it was gone, I had lost all kind of emotions toward other people. May it be love, hate, pity or joy.

I was empty. Once again.

Jacob

It was wrong. And I knew that. I mean, it´s not like I am stupid or anything.

_ Maybe you are.._

No, I wasn't. This was just a joke from my inner devil, treating me as if I were the last piece of crap.

_ Well, you are. Why else did she say all these things?_

Damn… it was true. She had clearly stated that she was not really mad at me, but what was a valid reason for her to say everything she said?

_ She just doesn't want you. Get that in your head._

Anyways, whatever her wish was, I accepted it. But still, I just can't live without her. And so I make the same mistake every cursed night again. Over and over.

The other's never say a word about it, but I see it in their faces, hear it in the thoughts they so desperately try to hide from me.

I need to see her, need to know she is alright. And so here I am. Jacob Black. The loser. As always. Standing in front of the window of the girl who rejected him. Hidden by the outline of the forest and the darkness of night, cowardly disguised as the strong animal which's strength had disappeared from his soul, only a mask now.

_ You look like a stupid, little schoolboy. Then again, you are, right?_

I tried to convince myself that watching her window would one day show me a sign, something that would cause me to move on. And until that day, I would return here every night. As pathetic as it might be.

_ That´s the right word, boy._

Let the other's talk. They will never understand. But I guess that since they saw me crying through Quil´s thoughts, he being the only one who saw that weakness in person, they would never ever try again to convince me that Bella's heart already belonged to someone else, that she was not good for me.

_ You're not good for her, that's all._

I might as well could have ripped her apart that night, two weeks ago. It seemed like an eternity. And whenever that incident came into my mind, usually a dozen times a day, I tried to live of the good in it. But it was hard. How much more can you hurt a person? What had I been thinking?

_ Nothing. Just as always._

The first days I had believed that this one mistake had messed up everything I had built up with so much devotion over the last months. But now, that a little time had passed, I knew that there were many things I had said and done which finally caused her to draw that line.

I understood everything she had said. All her argumentation, as agonizing as they might have been, it was true.

_ One thing you got, then. You learn.._

But why did she say that we were never friend? I just couldn't put any connection to every single word she ever spoke with me to _that_. It was like she had quoted someone else, so different from who she was herself, without even knowing what she was saying.

_ You're just too dumb to get it. _

And would that fucking voice just shut up!? You don´t help me in any way.

_ Not my intention at all. _

What are you then, annoying me all the time, accusing me, as if I didn't already know all that shit?

_ That´s what it is. I am truth. I am you...._

_

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_**Sooo??? Do you want me to write more in Jake´s POV?**_  
_


	5. Should I Be Lying To Myself?

**So there we go with another chapter. I started writing it yesterday and this morning I did not think I could actually continue it today, but I had my very first driving lesson and I am so entusiastic that I did not crash the car, that I just had to write more ;-)**

**//SURPIRSE//  
**

**And I have a little surprise for you guys. I already made two trailers for another Jacob/Bella story on this side, because I think it´s an absolutely awsome story. And now I decided to make one for my own story. So, I would be very happy if you watched the trailer. There might be some hints on how the story will continue ;-)  
**

**Link on my profile!**

* * *

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: _Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment._

**Dorothy Parker**

**-------------------------------  
**

Jacob

There is this one funny thing about pain. The fact how it opens your mind to everything and anything for there is no single thing in the world which could not be forced onto a person by pain.

Pain blunts your mind, your rational sense. It makes you do things which you clearly had never done under normal circumstances. Decisions, which had always seemed ridiculous to one before the pain came. And with it the sudden realization that everything is good and right, if it just makes the pain disappear.

That´s why human kind invented torture in the first place. People are just willing to do, say and be everything they are told to under the influence of pain.

There are those brave and courageous heroes, of course. The ones who never gave in, no matter how much pain they had to suffer. Men who died in the most agonizing ways, just to protect their goals, brothers, friends or even the women they loved. Parents who died instead of their children. All those tragic stories. But in the end, they are all so simple.

No one was really brave. Of course, they all made it for a long time, suffering the pain. That might be remarkable. But then again, they were all as weak and cowardly as everybody else. In the end it was always death which saved them. And that they knew. They knew for sure that they would not have to suffer _forever_. Just _long enough_. And then they would disappear, _forever._

It made me angry. They just died. Left. After all, the easiest way and in no way like a hero should act.

But then again, there are no heroes. To face the blank and hard truth – everybody can be corrupted. You just have to offer the right price. Maybe there you can see who are little heroes deep inside their hearts.

Which prize are they willing _to pay_?

And I am not talking about money here. Money may make the world go round, but if you are good enough to end up in heaven, or paradise or whatever there might be after we pass from this world – if you are good enough to deserve that treat, than money does not make _you_ go round. There are other prices, so much more valuable than all the money in the world.

And here lies the greater good.

What are you willing _to sacrifice_?

I would bet everything I own, including my life, that no one out there says that he would not give in while in pain without it being a lie. Nobody.

As said before, there are those cowards who wait until deaths takes them. And then there are those, who, in the end, may not be strong enough to endure the pain. But they remained true to their own value. They did something honest. Even when it´s evil and bad because someone else has to live with the consequences of that selfishness, or maybe self-preservation to make it sound less harsh.

Humans are evil. No doubt.

So way do we keep searching for heroes among us? There are none.

After all, isn't that one other reason for human kind to invent something sadistic as torture? It´s the devil inside each one of us. The wish to see other people in pain because of us.

That is the truth. As much as everybody tries to hide it. We are no gentle creatures, warm and full of love and emotion. We are animals. We are rough, raw and deep down, do what _we_ want.

Being gentle is nothing but a way to get what we want. because there is a need for love and affection in all of us.

And so we all love the lie. The mask each one of us carries. Until the day we leave this world, if out of cowardice or a more or less natural course.

Life is a lie.

Bella

Strange, how from time to time wished comes true, to which you had said goodbye to long ago. Things you no longer long for suddenly find a way into your life. If you want them to or not.

Was it a month? A few weeks? A year? A lifetime?

Who knows.. definitely not me.

It was a curious thing that now that my former longing and desire for immortality and an eternity of life had faded, a part of it suddenly seemed to come true.

Time.

Over night it was an unimportant piece of my life. It passed, it changed me and everything around me. Still, I didn't mind because I did not realize it.

I was in the eye of the storm. Silence surrounded me and time moved around me….

_Some things we don´t talk about,_

_rather do without and_

_just hold the smile_

Maybe it was an act of desperation, maybe I was just bored. Still, there was no way I could explain to myself why I did this. Something I had fought against so hard over the past months.

But here I was, sitting on the living room floor, my back leaning against the couch, legs crossed and my eyes closed as I let the soft music swing through my head, filling every nerve from my outer ear to my toes. It was the first time since _he_ had left _me_, that I had turned on the radio.

_Falling in and out of love_

_ashamed and proud of,_

_together all the while_

Silly little girl. That was all I could think about myself.

For over two hours I had been sitting here, listening to every word which came from the old radio.

Each song, each line, each commercial, each annoying, senseless word spoken by the hosts – I tried to catch the meaning in the hope to find one which might be transferred to my life.

_You can never say never_

_while we don´t know when_

_but time and time again_

_younger now than we were_

_before_

It was hopeless. None of them seemed to know anything about truth. After all, it was easy to _say_ "I love you".

I would even be capable of running out of the house, jump in my truck, drive over to Newton's and confess my undying love for Mike. Just than I didn't _mean_ it.

There was the problem.

They sang, screamed, yelled and babbled stuff they had no real idea of.

_Don´t let me go_

_Don´t let me go_

_Don´t let me go_

Without really intending to do so, I burst into a false, shrieking laughter and curled up against the side of the couch, pressing my hands against my stomach to ease the stinging pain caused by the use of muscles which I had not been using for a while.

That was easy to say. So easy.

But who was here to hold on? Was there anybody left who would be willing to pull me up again? Someone I had not already rejected and sent away?

_Picture you're the queen of _

_everything_

_Far as the eye can see_

_under your command_

My maniac-like fit was suddenly disturbed by a loud, rough knock at the door. My pulse increased speed as I immediately understood that only strong hands could cause such a powerful sound and movement.

_That_ was not possible…

_I will be your guardian_

_when all is crumbling_

_I'll steady your hand_

With shaking knees I slowly lifted my fragile, tiny body from the floor and tripped over to the front door, another urgent knock making me only more unaware of my surrounding.

As I opened the door I felt a sudden relief like a thousand bricks were lifted from my body when I saw who was waiting at the other side, a shy smile on his face.

"Hey, Bella."

_Don´t let me go_

_Don´t let me go_

_Don´t let me go_

"Hey, Quil."

His eyes were firmly fixed on my face but I could literally see his ears moving towards the living room. A slight movement in his brows confirmed my suspicion and when they drew together I sighed.

"I was bored. And the radio guy is really funny."

Good that Quil did not quite understand how bad of a liar I was, because the way his face lifted up showed me that he indeed believed my lie.

_We're pulling apart_

_and coming together_

_again and again_

"Can I come in?"

"Sure," I said with a lot of strength behind the simple word. More than anything I wanted to be alone. But he was my friend, sort of, and I knew that it would be rude to send him away.

Wasn't that my problem, anyways? Constantly sending people away…

But until now, and with one exception, they had all come back to me. Maybe…. No, there was no use in thinking that. There would not be a second chance. Or a third… I don´t even know how many chances I had missed.

_We're growing apart_

_but we pull it together,_

_Pull it together again_

Quil´s footsteps were not audible, compared to mine which was something I had always admired. They were so big and bulky, me so tiny… and still I was the one who could not approach something without making myself public a mile before my goal.

He suddenly stopped and turned around to face me which took me by surprise because I had not been paying too much attention to his actions rather than himself.

_Don´t let me go_

_Don´t let me go_

_Don´t let me go_

"We have to talk, Bella."

* * *


	6. Will It Ever Stop?

**Soo, here we go again. You guys really motivate me to keep on writing.**

* * *

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

**William Jennings Bryan**

**--------------------------------------**

The constant knot in my throat increased it´s volume as I stared blankly into Quil´s dark eyes. There he stood, monstrous and unnaturally broad, still a boy behind the mask, towering over me with a look of caution and indecision mixed in his eyes, which were just incapable of looking evil or mean or dangerous in any kind of way.

With all the fragile strength inside of me I tried to steady my rapid pulse, which seemed to be an impossible task to fulfil.

"Quil…," I started with a cracking voice, my eyes now firmly fixed on the floor, avoiding to meet his warm but serious stare.

"Hey, Bella. I am not here to talk about _that_."

There was a change in his voice and my behaviour once the words were spoken. My eyes shot up towards Quil, who was now the one avoiding my gaze. His eyes seemed to stare at a point right next to me, his hands were slightly shaking and his former calm voice was now a slight bit threatening.

"Quil?"

His broad chest lifted hard as his breathing grew deeper and faster. He was angry.

"Bella, this is not why I came. Well…. Damn…Look.. I… we… well… Bella as much as I feel and see and think the same things that Jake does… every pain, every single thought… just everything.. as much as I would like it to stop…. This I none of my business. I feel the same he does. I see his every thought. And man, I saw him crying. I never saw Jake crying before. Not even when his mom died. Think about that Bella…. It´s…. I shouldn't talk about this at all… but…. Damn… I cant stand feeling what he does. I hate him for his pain, for not moving on, for not getting over you. I hate you for whatever you said or did to him. And both of you… I don´t hate you for what you are. Just for what you did and still do. And I can't go on like that. He can't go on like this. And what about you? Did you look into the mirror lately, Bella? You should. I mean, I feel so bad for everything… like….he is my best friend… and… we have to share everything.. I f we want to or not… why the hell am I saying that? He will.. no he won't…he will not even… Bella, he doesn't care about anything anymore. He just lives and… he is falling and he is pulling all of us with him…. Crap… Do you know how much he blames himself? For _everything_… He feels so guilty for what happened that night after that party, Bella… But do you know what? He wants to think about it, because it is so black and white for him. But he doesn't. He constantly tries to suppress it. You know why? Because he wants to protect _you_. From _us_. From _our _minds. He doesn't want us to see you. Anything… I mean… Bella, don´t get me wrong. I can't blame you for not loving him or anything. If that is so, than nobody can change that. But… did you… do you really think he deserves this? I mean, that guy loves you Bella… and you just sent him away like that. Without any…. What am I doing here? I shouldn't…."

There I stood, Isabella Swan, petrified by a sixteen-year-old boy towering over me, avoiding to meet my eyes and talking faster than Jessica Stanley could gossip.

But this was not gossip. Never before had I heard Quil talking so much with so much honestly and danger in his voice.

I couldn't help but staring at him, how he stood there, his hands formed to fists, his skin trembling and I knew the danger which was erupting from him.

"Quil.."

"No Bella. This is not why I came. I should never have even mentioned it at all. What I came for was… well… _she_ is back."

For a second I just continued staring at him, my brain working faster than ever before. And then – it hit me like a wall of bricks.

"Victoria," I whispered and I felt my knees shaking.

Quil was not blind of that and before I lost my balance completely, he grabbed my shoulders, finally looking at me again.

My lips trembled and sweat erupted from my skin, without me feeling too warm in any way, even though Quil´s body was not a good help.

"Bella… hey… don´t be afraid, okay?"

For the first time today, he did not speak his own words. Those were someone else's.

I simply nodded, knowing that it was a lie to myself. In a certain way. It was not me I was scared about. No… it had never been me.

Quil´s words were quiet and distant as my mind travelled to far away places, places in which darkness was omnipresent, only interrupted by a flame of red hair and a shrill, devilish, diabolical shriek of laughter.

"We will look after you. That´s what we're here for after all. Bella?"

She grinned at me, her beautiful face the last thing I would ever see on this earth, before the darkness would claim me…. Forever…

"Bella!"

Reality pulled me back and Quil´s face was so very close to mine I could feel his breath on my skin.

"It´s okay. Nothing will happen to you. I promise."

Again I nodded against my better judgment and when Quil let go off me, I tripped but caught myself before I fell to the ground.

"You okay? I have to go. Sam is waiting for me. We'll let you know as soon as something happens… Any kind of news.. we'll contact you."

He turned around and slowly started to move toward the front door when I found my voice again.

"Wait!"

His moves stopped but still the only thing I saw was his back. He was avoiding me again, knowing what would come.

"Can you… tell – "

"No Bella. I f you want to tell him something, then tell _him_. I am not a delivery boy. Don´t take his last pride."

"Then… Quil…. Be careful. _Please_," I said, not quite only to Quil. I knew that the other, _him_ as well, would here my beg. And maybe it was worth something.

He never answered me and when the door closed behind him, I felt like the fog inside my chest was slowly starting to tighten.

Breathing was harder now and as my knees finally touched the ground and darkness enveloped me, all I saw was _his_ face. Sad, in pain.. because of me.


	7. What Is He Doing?

**Here we go once again.... I am not sure if I will be able to update so often now, as school started again and I really have to work a lot more now...**

**There is something important you should know about this chapter**

**IT´S A PACK CONVERSATION AND I REALLY DID WANT TO WRITE DOWN WHO SAY WHAT ALL THE TIME....I THINK IT´S CLEAR WHEN JAKE SAYS SOMETHING AND IT IS NOT REALLY IMPORTANT TO CATCH WHO SAYS SOMETHING...I MEAN IN A GROUP DISCUSSION IT´S NOT ALWAYS QUITE CLEAR WHO SAID WHAT....**

**Hope you enjoy it ;-)**

* * *

Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him.

**Booker T. Washington**

**-------------------------------------  
**

With all my strength I pushed my numb, tired legs farther trough the dark forest, my paws causing a dull sound each time they touched the damp ground, branches cracking underneath them, far away sounds of animals filling my ears as I concentrated on the confusing thoughts of my pack members.

"_Where did you find the track?"_

"_You should have told us that sooner!"_

"_I needed to phase back first. Mum was going insane."_

"_Sort out your priorities!"_

"_Stop, Paul. Let's leave that. Seth, tell us. And Jake, Leah, hurry up. Get here quickly."_

"_On my way, Sam. Don´t get all bossy again."_

"_Stop it Leah,. You're the one who's always bo –"_

"_Stop it now! Seth, tell us."_

I tried to concentrate more as my legs pushed my huge body closer to where the other's were gathered.

"_Well, I was just out there in the woods at the north border of the treaty line… maybe a bit in their territory. Well, let me think… she must have been really close. I might have missed her only by a few minutes. Because.. the smell.. it was so.. vivid… man I tell you that hurt…. Well, anyways.. I tried to follow the trail, but it was all confusing again and it let so far into their territory… I knew I should wait."_

"_Man, you might have caught her."_

"_Jared, don´t be stupid. He would never have made it!"_

"_Yeah, but died trying!"_

"_You are impossible."_

"_Shut up, Leah!"_

"_What are we going to do now, Sam?"_

"_Follow the trail. Tonight. A few of us."_

"_And what about the rest?"_

"_Listen, boys. She knows what she is doing. You don´t honestly expect her to follow that trail?"_

"_Who asked you Leah? And stop bumping against me all the time. That hurts."_

"_Paul, stop it. She is right. She is too clever to just follow that trail. She knows we'd sense it."_

"_Sam!?"_

"_No guys. We will part and some of you will follow the trail with me tonight. The rest will stay all around the reservation and Forks. All of you will phase, so we'll know what is going on."_

"_Who will go with you?"_

"_Volunteers?"_

"_I'll go."_

"_Me, too."_

"_I'm in."_

"_Okay, so it´s me, Leah, Paul and Embry."_

"_I want to go, too."_

"_No, Seth."_

"_Shut up, Leah!"_

"_No she's right. Jared?"_

"_I'll patrol across the treaty line."_

"_Jake?"_

I was almost there. A mile or two at the most. My heart was racing and I felt every single hair of my fur stand straight at the mere thought of this god damned leech.

"_I'll stay,"_ was all I thought. They knew what I really wanted them to hear.

"_She'll be safe, Jake. Don´t be too… protective. Just patrol. As always."_

"_Sure, Sam. What about Quil? Where is he, anyways?"_

Their thoughts were suddenly clouded and confused as they tried to hide the truth from me. Leah was suddenly recalling this mornings weather-forecast, Seth went through all kind of random football players, Jared marvelled about a nearby tree, Paul thought about selling his car and Embry hummed the Super Mario Theme. That might have caused me to laugh, but today and now it told me what was going on.

It was Sam who clearly thought for me after a few seconds.

"_He warned her. He should be back any minute. Actually I expected him to be back a lot sooner…"_

"_God knows what he is doing again… maybe he fell asleep in the car and crashed it and a poor tree in the process."_

"_Jared, stop it!"_

"_What? I really don´t get it. Why do you sent him? Might as well have sent Seth."_

"_What's it about me again?"_

"_Stop it!"_

Everybody was silent immediately as the Alpha's voice sounded through every nerve, forcing us to follow his lead.

My paws had stopped moving the moment I had figured out where Sam had sent Quil. Him… I partially agreed with Jared. Why him?

However my argumentation was entirely different… Jared thought Quil and Seth were too childish, which was something I totally had to disagree with. But Quil… he knew her… _My_ _Bella_… And she knew him… more than any other member of our pack. I supposed that was why Sam had sent him in the first place. To give her something to rely on, someone familiar, as I was "_unavailable_".

But I knew some of Quil´s boyish thoughts about Bella, more than I wanted to and as much as he was my best friend and no "boy" after all, it was something that caused my insides to twitch.

"_Jake, he would never do that."_

It was Sam's normal voice which woke me from my trance.

"_Yeah…"_

"_So, what are we going to do about Quil?"_

"_Yeah, he's lame."_

"_Do you think…"_

"_No, Seth. We would sense her if she were so close."_

"_Jake?"_

I had phased before they had finished saying my name in confusion as my thoughts faded. In a haste I put on my cut-off jeans and ran back through the woods towards my house as fast as my human legs could carry me, not wanting the other's to interrupt my thoughts or Sam to stop me from doing what I wanted.

As much as I was concerned about Sam's decision to sent Quil, there was one thing I knew I should be sure about. And that was _Quil_. And if Quil was one thing, than he was reliable. And responsible. And being late had always been the last thing on his mind.

Either he really did have some "human struggles" or ignored Sam's command, which was after all more than unlikely. Or… something had happened and crossed his plans.

And if that thing had anything to do with Bella…..

* * *

**So, if anybody had too much struggles with understanding the conversation:**

**It´s Seth who found the trail, it´s Leah who wants to protect him, it´s everybody except Sam who behaves bad towards Leah, it´s Jared who has some problems with Quil.... and, another important note: Quil did not imprint yet...**


	8. How Did I Let It Go This Far?

**Sorry for the delay, and it´s only a short chapter this time. One with which I am anything but satisfied. But the next one will be better. I promise. **

**I just a had a very busy week and I´ll probably write a bit more during the weekend.**

* * *

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

**Anon**

**---------------------------------  
**

The Rabbit's old engine roared loudly as I pulled into Bella's street and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Charlie's cruiser parked across the entire street as if he had cut the engine as soon as he was close enough to the house, not caring about the risk of simply parking the car in the middle of a street.

I felt the same though. Something must be going on considering that it was the Chief who totally ignored traffic rules and safety here.

With shaking fingers I stopped my car behind his, my right wheels pressing deeply into the neighbours lawn. I remained immobile for a few seconds, trying to calm myself before facing anybody. My impatience told me something different though and so I practically jumped out of the car, not bothering to close the door.

In a matter of seconds I was across the street and at the front door, pushing it and entering the house because, for my luck, the door had been left open.

"Bella!?"

No answer. All I heard were heavy footsteps from upstairs.

"Charlie?"

"Who's there?"

Charlie's voice apparently came from Bella's room and in a mere second I was halfway up the stairs, almost crashing into Charlie who stood there, staring at me and holding a small red bag in his hands.

"Jake. What are you doing here? Did Quentin call you?"

"Who? What?"

"That boy. Quentin… or whatever his name was."

"Quil?"

"Yeah, right. Quil, well –"

"What happened, Charlie?"

My breathing was rapid and I feared to loose control if any more time passed.

"So he didn't call you?"

"No, he didn't."

"How do you know then?"

"Charlie, I know nothing."

"Well, Bella is in hospital. I'll just bring her some stuff before I drive back. Want to come with me?"

Shock was surely imprinted on my face as I answered him with a short, nervous "Yes."

"Well, then. Let's go."

I took the bag from Charlie's hands and leaped back to the front door.

"Watch out Jake!"

Before Charlie even reached his cruiser I had closed my car door, placed Bella's bag on the backseat of the police car and forced my body into the tiny front seat. It clearly wasn't made for someone of my shape.

"Jacob, calm down. The doctor said that everything is alright," Charlie said as he sat next to me and started the car.

"Tell me what happened."

My voice was breathless and I balled my hands to fists, desperately trying to calm myself and maintain my self-control.

"Well, I was working when the phone rang. It was a boy. Well, he told me that he was a friend of you and Bella. What was his name again?"

"Quil Ateara."

"Right… anyways.. he said that he came over today and… well he said Bella had a mental breakdown. He apparently brought her to the hospital straight away. I called the doctor after that and he said that Bella was just fine. She did have a breakdown and they want to keep her over night, but there is nothing serious. They gave her sleeping pills and she is resting at the moment. So I thought I should bring her some of her own clothes and bath stuff"

"She'll be alright?"

"Yes. There is nothing wrong. At least, not with her health."

Shame and guilt ran through my entire body, making me shiver even more as I looked out of the window, seeing only colours and whirls outside.

"This is all my fault."

Minutes passed before something else than the sounds of the engine and bypassing cars filled my ears. It was Charlie's low, curious but still worried voice.

"What happened between you two? Bella won't talk to me. But… you two were so close… why not anymore? Does that Quincy boy has anything to do with it?"

"Quil, Charlie. No he doesn't… It´s…"

More time had passed than I had realized and so I was slightly surprised when Charlie stopped the car in the hospital parking lot.

He unfastened his seatbelt and turned toward me.

"Jacob, I know that this isn't really my business. But Bella is _my_ daughter. And you are practically family to me. So, please. Help her. She is… she seems to be worse than she was when that Cullen kid left her. If he ever decides to come back,. I swear to god…Well, forget about it. Just, I know that you always made her so happy and… feel better. Try to solve your problems. Please. I don´t know how to help her anymore," Charlie said with both anger and pain in his voice as he leaned into the back to grab the bag before he opened the door and closed it once he was outside, leaving me in complete silence for a few second before I opened my door as well, stepping out into the soft breeze which today, as much as the past three weeks, did not affect me.

Neither positive nor negative.

* * *

**I hope this wasn´t too bad. **

**The next one.... well there will finally be some movement in Bella and Jacob´s "relationship". So stay tuned.**

**And by the way, I finally made a plan for each chapter I have planned to write for this story. And there will be some more twists and problems. ;-)**

**Until now **(though it made change while I write)** there will be around 39 chapters.**


	9. Will I Loose Her, Too?

**So that was quick ;-)**

**I am sorry to say that this turned out to be a bit different than the chapter I had planned first. But I kinda really like the way it turned out. **

* * *

Being taken for granted can be a compliment. It means that you've become a comfortable, trusted person in another person's life.

**Joyce Brothers**

**---------------------------------------**

"Jake!"

"Quil!"

There he was, standing in the middle of the hospital corridor, seeming oddly out of place there. He, and by that me as well, was so dark and huge compared to the bright colours and delicate instruments around.

"I'll be inside Jacob. You two seem to have something to talk about," Charlie said as he opened the door on Quil´s right side and closed it again before I had the chance to take a look inside.

Quil reached me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Calm down. Everything is fine."

"She's in hospital, Quil. How do you call that _fine_?"

"Relax. Maybe we should better go outside. You shake way too hard."

"I'll stay."

My voice was harsher than I intended it to be and in a way Quil was right. I was dangerously close to loose my control and my whole body was painfully tense.

"What happened, Quil?"

His gaze nervously fell to our feet and I felt his fingers trembling slightly on my shoulder.

"Well, Sam sent me to tell her about that leech's return. She was… it was weird Jake. She had the radio turned on so loud and you should have seen her. Pale and… empty. Jake I'm sorry. She.. well she thought… She thought I came to talk about the two of you and… it just slipped out. I swore myself not to mention anything but… damn it Jake, I just tried to help you. I can't stand seeing you like this and you know that."

"What did you tell her?"

"I…. I just told her in how much pain you are and… and how you blame yourself and… and how I feel like you don´t deserve this… Nothing more. I really tried to shut up but I.. I was angry. Well, she didn't really react and so I just told her about the leech. Well… she was shaking and… I left. Before.. well she tried to give me a message for you but… well I told her to tell you herself. And then I left. Please, Jake. Don´t be mad at me. I just tried to help."

I took a few deep, calming breaths before I answered Quil who was still staring at the floor, nervous and in a way scared. And that was the moment I felt sorry for him. Sorry for all the pain I had put him and all the other's through. How my every thought was just a heavy burden for them as it was for me.

Without hesitation I put my own hand on his shoulder. He looked up and I forced myself to give him a weak smile, just a shadow of what it used to be once.

"It´s okay, Quil. Don´t worry. I am sorry. For all this."

"Thank you. It´s just… I phased a while ago and the other's… they said you were jealous, Jake. I mean, please believe me that… I _never_ thought about Bella that way. You know I would never do this, right?"

"Sure I do. I was a fool. I was just confused and worried. Well, what happened after you left?"

"I went back to the car and… well I already started the engine when I remembered that Sam had asked me to ask Bella something about that leech. So, I went back and rang. She didn't answer. I rang again and again and again for ten minutes. First, I thought she just had the music too loud or didn't want to see me again, or maybe she was in the bathroom. But then, it was just too long. I didn't want to break the door so I walked around the house and saw that her bedroom window was open. I climbed inside and looked for her. She was exactly where she had been when I left. In the hall. But she was unconscious. I tried to wake her but she didn't react to anything. So I brought her here and called the Chief. Well…She opened her eyes shortly before we arrived here but… well I talked to her but… she was murmuring stuff and the only thing I clearly understood was… well it was your name, Jake. And then she was gone again."

"What did the doctor say?"

"Well, he asked me what had happened and I… well I had to make the story up a little. So I told him that I was her boyfriend's best friend and that I had to tell her some bad news and that she was a little freaked out by it and that she had been quite down for the last weeks because of those problems… so in a way it is true. Sorry about that Jake."

"Don´t blame yourself, Quil. You're the last one here with a need to apologize."

"Okay… let me see. Well the doctor said that she had a mental breakdown and just needed a little rest. But she was quite unsteady so their gave her sleeping pills. They want to keep her over night."

For a while there was silence between the two of us and it was only interrupted by the low talk of bypassing patients, doctors and nurses and the far away beeping sounds of medical instruments. Suddenly I felt the heavy weight of this atmosphere on me which always overcame me whenever I entered a hospital. So normally I avoided being her. But today, I had been so stunned by my shock and worry that it only hit me now.

It was my very first memory of being in a hospital which made me shiver every time I smelled the clean, unnatural scent, saw the clean walls and floors, heard the sounds of instruments and sick people.

All that came into my mind was me standing next to one of those beds, my father holding my left, Rachel my right hand as we waited. Waited for the inevitable moment to come. Only at that time I didn't know what I was waiting for. Rachel and Dad did know. And so did Rebecca who was sitting opposite of us. They knew all too well what was about to come.

Silent tears ran over their cheeks and made my insides feel like the jelly Mum had made me earlier that day before she had left to get some more ice-cream at the supermarket.

My sisters always cried a lot. It was nothing new for me. But seeing my father cry was something that, at that age, I couldn't understand. He was my hero. Strong. So why was he crying?

Later that night Dad sent me and my sisters out of the room. _They_ knew why. I didn't. And that made me angry. I struggled myself out of my father's hand and walked over to my mother. Careful not to hurt her or touch the tubes which were oddly placed on her body I kissed her cheek.

It was then when Rachel pulled me out of the room. And it was the last time I ever saw my mother's face.

Until today I blame myself for not crying that day. Or the days that followed. The years.

Maybe it was because I did not expect it. I simply didn't understand.

And until today I blame the other's for ever letting me see her in the hospital after the crash. For knowing that she would not see the next morning and still drag me in there, making my last memory of her the picture of a pale woman, cabled, bandaged. Not the smiling, warm woman she used to be. The woman I can barely remember now. Because the last picture overshadows it. It is too strong.

"Jake?"

Quil´s voice brought me back into reality and I felt my trembling body calm down a little.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes. I am."

"Well, I have to leave. Sam told me to patrol around Bella's house. He wants you to stay here, of course. Since you were to protect here in the first place. But he told me to tell you to phase as often as possible tonight. He's mad, Jake. That you just ran off."

"I know. I'll talk to him later."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I love her Quil. And... in a way.. I know she feels the same for me. So… I'll be there. As always. If it´s a friend she needs I will be one. But… I will try everything to make her see what she _could_ be. What we could _be_. She is all I want and I won't loose her."

"Good luck then. I hope you make it. I think… you two are great together. And man, that sounds cheesy."

We both laughed and when Quil left I felt something I had not felt during the last weeks. I knew what was about to come and now there was hope for me. For her. For _us_.

* * *

**So, I promise that there will be some interaction between Bella and Jacob in the next chapter. It is already written in my head and I just have to type it.**

**Be sure to leave a review, I am happy about each one. **


	10. The Best Way To Outlast A Storm?

**And here it is, finally ;-) Some interaction you´ve all been waiting for. I hope this won´t dissapoint you. I worked hard on it and I like it.... so, enjoy it and tell me what you think.**

* * *

True love is night jasmine, a diamond in darkness, the heartbeat no cardiologist has ever heard. It is the most common of miracles, fashioned of fleecy clouds -- a handful of stars tossed into the night sky.

**Jim Bishop**

**-----------------------------  
**

She looked so beautiful. Not that I hadn't known it before but now that she was laying there, so peaceful, it was more obvious than ever before. Because never before had she allowed me to look at her that way. To see every single eyelash that framed her eyes, now casting shadows on her pale skin. Her cheekbones and how they gave her face such a hint of perfection. Her small nose, the shadows of wrinkles on her forehead, caused by the endless worries which burdened her. Her lips, a soft pink, barely ever forming into a smile. A single liver spot on her left temple. Something I had never seen before. The way her ears were covered underneath her dark hair, only a hint of skin visible. Her slender neck. All things she didn't want me to see. And all things I simply could not ignore.

I wish she could see herself the way I saw her.

She hadn't moved an inch since I had entered the room and with every passing minute my heartbeat calmed down a little more. If only she was at peace. Just for now. If only for a night.

It was already getting dark outside and grey clouds took away the last rays of sunlight. There was a storm coming and something inside me told me that it was not only the weather which would strike soon.

A low whimper suddenly sounded through the silence and when I focused my eyes back on Bella's face, I saw that her eyelids were twitching.

"Bella?" I whispered and leaned a little closer towards her, still keeping enough distance. I still did not know how she would react to my presence.

It took her a full minute to open her eyes a little and every time she tried her lids fell closed again. But as she finally succeeded, she was staring at me with cloudy eyes and a confused expression on her beautiful face.

"Jacob?"

Her voice was just a shadow of what it normally was, lower than a whisper and weaker than ever before.

"I'm here."

"What… what happened? Where am I?"

"Shhh… Bella. It´s okay. You're in hospital. You had a breakdown. But everything is fine. Don´t worry."

Again her forehead wrinkled and she blinked several times before focusing on me again.

"How… did you… why are you here?"

"Bella. Calm down," I said as her hands began to tremble slightly. I hesitated shortly before I reached out my own hand and rested it upon one of hers.

"Quil… he found you. And he brought you here. The pack… well, we were wondering where Quil was, so I came to your house to check on him. I only found Charlie and he told me everything."

"How is Charlie? Is he alright?"

"Yes, he is. He was here with me all day. He left an hour ago. But he'll come back later."

I felt her hand relax underneath my touch and courage overcame me. My thumb started to gently brush over her skin, colder than usual.

"But Quil… he left. How did he…"

"He had forgotten something and when you didn't open the door he climbed through your window."

Seconds, minutes passed around us and we just looked at each other. The longing for her inside of me grew with every breath that left my lungs and I continued to stroke her skin with my thumb, it being the symbol for the missing touch of the past weeks.

"Jake."

"Yes?"

"I am sorry," she whispered and a stabbing pain made my chest ache when I saw tears gathering in her eyes.

"No," I said rather harshly as my thumb stopped moving and instead my hand grabbed hers tighter.

"Don´t apologize."

"But –"

"No, Bella. This is not your fault. Please, don´t cry."

But it was already too late. Silent tears ran down her cheeks and each one was the death of me. Without thinking I reached out my other hand and softly wiped away the salty tears, resting my palm on her cheek.

"Jake?"

"Hmm," was all I was capable of answering as I marvelled at the difference between my dark hand and her soft, pale skin.

"I… I know I told you… told you to leave. But… but… I mean… could… could you stay?"

Her voice was steadier now, but I saw a hint of fear in her eyes and so I tried to give her my old smile. Again I was only capable of a shadow, but I am sure it was enough in that moment.

"Sure. I'll stay. I just have to phase now and again. Check what the other's are doing."

I immediately blamed myself for mentioning the threat that rested on us all for the fear in her eyes returned and I felt her shaking underneath my touch.

"What is going on, Jake? What about the other's? And Charlie?"

"Shhh… We take care of everything. Quil patrols around your house. He'll keep Charlie safe. And all the other's are out there, too. If she should… come… than we are prepared. She'll have no chance. Don´t worry."

Bella nodded weakly and the need to comfort her was strong inside me. But with all my strength I was able to maintain the distance. It was all her decision now.

"You okay?" I asked with worry in my voice and her eyelids twitched again and pain flashed across her face.

"My head hurts."

"Well, you probably fell on it today. Do you want me to get a nurse?"

I moved back and withdrew my hand from Bella's face. But she interrupted me as I began to stand up.

"No! Please, don´t go."

Her hand which was not already covered with mine lifted and reached out for me. With a shy smile I took it and settled in my chair again, never focusing on anything else than Bella's eyes.

"Are you really alright, Bella? You shiver."

"It´s cold in here."

A million thoughts ran through my mind and I couldn't think quite clearly. Should I really do it? Or was is inappropriate? Would she reject me? Then again, she had asked me to stay….

_Just do it, man._

There it was again. The devil in my head. But for once it seemed to really say the truth.

"Sit up, Bella."

"What?"

"Sit, please."

She looked at me in confusion but when I smiled at her once again, she rested her weight on her elbows.

I noticed that with every try I made, my smile returned to normal. It wasn't as hard as it had been lately.

"Jake…"

"Let me help you."

Apparently it was harder for her to lift her weight than I had thought. So I put my hands around her upper arms and pulled her up until she was sitting straight in her bed. With an increasing heartbeat I stood up from my chair and stepped over to her bed and sat down on it, facing Bella who was looking at me with an expression between doubt and confusion.

"Come," I whispered and reached out my hand towards her, my heart now insanely fast and my breathing rapid.

She hesitated and stared at my outstretched hand before she wrapped her tiny, pale fingers around it.

I smiled again and pulled her closer to me.

She squeaked a little when I wrapped my arms around her body and lifted her up, stretching my legs and placing her in my lap. A second passed but then she started to cooperate. She straddled me and crossed her legs behind my back. Slowly, she pulled her hand out of mine, her eyes fixed on my face, only inches apart. I could feel and smell her every breath on my skin and it sent a shiver down my spine.

Bella then wrapped her right arm around my torso and lowered her head against my chest.

A hint of embarrassment overcame me as I realized how very clearly she must feel the hysterical beating of my heart and the way my chest rose with every single breath I took. But when her free hand reached for my hand again and I felt her delicate fingers intertwined with mine, everything else dissolved and I gently wrapped my free arm around her fragile frame, pulling her closer to my body.

Her own heartbeat was not that much slower than mine and I could clearly feel it between our bodies. Goosebumps covered my skin as I felt Bella's tiny hand drawing random patterns on my back while I took a deep breath and inhaled the fruity smell of her hair, slowly stroking my own hand up and down her spine.

"Jake."

"What is it?"

"Would you believe me if I told you that I didn't mean what I said that day?"

"I know you didn't, Bella," I whispered and rested my cheek on the top of Bella's head, closing my eyes.

"But –"

"Shhh… I know we have a lot to talk about. But not now. You should go back to sleep. For now it is enough that we are here."

She only nodded and tightened her grip around my fingers as I started to rock her in my arms.

"I missed you, Jake."

"Yeah. I missed you, too."

"But you're back," she said and with every word her voice got lower and when she had spoken the last word, her grip around my hand loosened a little and I heard her breathing calm down…


	11. Remember What I Told You

**First of all, I am really sorry that it took me a while to update. I had a busy week and spent most of my free time with studying for a Biology test which I had today. Wasn´t even worth it, thouch. That was crap ;-)**

**And then, this is also a very short chapter. But it is important because there are some significant hints on the following story.**

**I hope you enjoy it, though.**

* * *

We often give our enemies the means to our own destruction.

**Aesop**

**--------------------------  
**

Raindrops drenched my sporadic clothing as I stepped out of the hospital, crossed the parking lot and loosened my belt as I reached the nearby forest. My body felt unusually cold to me, due to the fact that Bella's tiny, fragile body was not pressed against me anymore. She was back in her room, deeply asleep and for once, full of peace. Peace which could not last anywhere but in her mind.

My jeans fell to the ground and I stepped out of them without really coordinating my movements. I felt empty and more alone than ever before now that I had to leave her behind, if only for a few minutes. Now that she was back, it was even harder to tell her goodbye.

The little satisfaction which overcame me with every transformation did not last long, since not a second passed before I was bombarded with the other's thoughts.

"_Jake, man… what took you so long? Oh, I see…Well done."_

"_What is going on?"_

"_Seems like it´s just another joke of hers. No sign, no trace"_

"_Fucking leech."_

"_It´s as if she was never here."_

"_That god-damned leech. I wish I already saw her burn."_

"_Jared, calm down. It was never certain that we'd find something tonight."_

"_Well, I don´t know about you, but I was certainly hoping for it."_

"_She's just playing games all the time."_

"_What if it´s a trap, though?"_

"_Leah, why do you always have to meet trouble halfway?"_

"_Paul, I am just trying to figure out what is going on here."_

"_You act as though our lives depended on your judgement."_

"_Oh, god. Please not."_

"_Jared!"_

"_What Embry, you're on her side now, or what?"_

"_I am on nobody's side."_

"_I'd bet my ass you are. Don´t forget, we can all here what you think."_

"_Leave him!"_

"_Oh, wow. Embry listen, she's taking good care of you."_

"_Stop it!"_

"_Sam –"_

"_No .Leave them alone. It´s none of your business. Leah is right. It might be a trap. But we can't deal with that tonight."_

"_So, what are we going to do?"_

"_I think we'll stop it for now. Leah, Quil, you'll stay phased and patrol with me. The other's can go. There is no need for the whole pack now. I think you all need a rest. We'll meet tomorrow at my house.."_

"_Why don´t you put Leah and Embry on patrol and leave yourself? We'd sure have something interesting to listen to tomorrow."_

"_Jared, if you don´t stop immediately –"_

"_Okay, okay. I am just trying to lift the mood."_

"_Since Leah messed it up."_

"_Oh, just shut your mouths!"_

"_Man, can't you just pretend to like each other?"_

"_Seth, this is none of your business."_

"_This is our pack. So it´s all of our business. Since when is it Leah's fault if she says something which is right?"_

"_Seth, stop defending me. I can look after myself."_

"_Well, obviously –"_

"_Enough !You all act like children and I'll have to think of some serious changes if this doesn't change. We all know how difficult this situation is. It´s not better or worse for anyone one of us. Jake? I suppose you want to stay with Bella tonight?"_

"_Yeah, Sam."_

"_Then go. We don´t need you right now. And Jake? Remember what I told you."_


	12. It Doesn’t Matter What They Think

**SORRY SORRY SORRY** that it took me so long to update. But school has been quite hard lately and I had a different Jacob & Bella story in my head, which needed to be written in order to free my mind for this one again.

But today I sat down and this took me soooo long to finish.... But I hope you´ll like it.

I think I should tell you the two songs I listened to while writing this, because I think that they fit quite nice. Not necessary the lyrics, but the atmosphere...

1. Greg Laswell - Off I Go

2. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Cat and Mouse

* * *

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.

**Theodore Rubin**

**-------------------------------  
**

"And you're sure you'll be okay?"

"Dad, please. Stop acting as if I were 5 years old. I can take care of myself for a couple of hours. Don´t worry so much."

"Bella, you just had a breakdown. So don´t tell me not to worry about you," Charlie said with more fierce in his voice than before and the crinkles on his forehead, which had become deeper during the last three days, were now even more present. I felt guilty for putting him in this kind of a nervous state, his worry for me slightly annoying, but still I knew I could not deny that it was, from his position, just normal.

"Dad, I really am fine now. Maybe not in the condition to run a marathon, but definitely to make it through the day alone. I can deal without you for a while but I doubt that the station can. So get to work. Please, I promise I'll be fine," I told him and tried to maintain a steady voice, keeping my annoyance to myself.

"Well, fine… but I'll call every now and then and if there is anything with you…. If you need me, call straight away."

"Promise."

Charlie hesitantly nodded and headed out of the kitchen, leaving me sitting at the table with a bowl of half-eaten cereals in front of me. I sighed heavily and felt the air pressure against my head, my sigh turning into a yawning. It was ridiculous – I had been sleeping almost the entire day yesterday including the night and still, I felt so incrediblely tired and exhausted. Probably from sleeping itself.

Charlie was clearly worrying too much in my eyes but after all, it was justified. Receiving a call from a boy you don´t know who tells you your daughter just had a breakdown and is in hospital – this was clearly nothing that a father's heart could take just like that, especially considering my condition earlier this year and even more important during the past weeks.

Guilt overcame me once again as I realized what kind of a bad daughter I was. All I did was making Charlie worry, giving him headaches and crinkles. At least he had agreed on going to work today, maybe that would distract him.

I doubted it.

Minutes passed before I picked up eating again, my stomach aching to be filled, but the appetite somewhere lost along my way from my bedroom down to the kitchen. Maybe it was still asleep.

I chuckled quietly to myself and was surprised on how light everything felt, once again. It was not the first time. Ever since I woke up in hospital, sometime around noon yesterday I had been feeling easy and flowing – so very different from the last weeks. Alive. Well, not very awake, after all.

The last thing apart from this sudden light headed feeling I remembered from the few minutes of being awake was Charlie's worried face, his quiet voice telling me to take me home before I drifted off to sleep once again, not waking up until this morning. And there it had been again – myself in a blissful state of life and the weird feeling to have something to look forward to. Whatever it might be.

While I absent-minded chewed my cereal I tried hard to remember what had actually happened. But one memory overshadowed all the others and deep down I didn't want to stop remembering that specific one. All that was on my mind was… Jacob.

I knew everything the moment I woke up. Everything that had happened and even after it had happened it still soothed me, made me feel content. He was there. In some way. I would not loose him again.

Waking up without him by my side had been expected but still gut-wrenching. In a good way, though. I knew and still know now, that I will see him again very soon. He had been so… there are no words.

Still, no matter how blissful this memory was, I needed to know what had happened before I woke up in hospital next to Jacob. All I remembered was the conversation with Quil, each painful detail which still stabbed my heart. I remembered him passing me and leaving, the door falling closed behind him… And then there was nothing… and that made me rather furious.

The sound of the doorbell made me jump and only when the spoon fell out of my hand in the process did I realize that the bowl in front of me now only contented a rest of milk. I almost chuckled again as I thought of myself eating nothing but thin air, putting the empty spoon in my mouth over and over without realizing it. But my heartbeat had doubled it´s pace and so a chuckle was impossible for me to do. There were only a few possibilities who could be at the door and the one I appreciated the most was also the most realistic.

I jumped onto my feet, my still tired and numb legs protesting. But I did not let the dizzy feeling take control over me and so I carefully, but still faster than I should, made my way to the front door, literally ripping it open.

And there he was… and there went my heart…

"Bells? Are you okay?"

"What? Oh, yes. I am," I stuttered, confused by his question at first but then it occurred to me, that my expression must be somehow weird-looking, should it even the slightest match my state of mind.

I smiled at him, a shy smile, since I still had to get used to smiling again. He answered with the same shyness, obviously unsure himself about what would follow now.

"You want to come in?" I asked with a mask of strength, which was betrayed by my white knuckles unable to restrain the force with which my hands were grabbing the door.

"Sure," Jacob said slowly and I took a few steps back into the hallway, letting him pass me. The fragment of a second in which he was right next to me, he was so omnipresent that I felt all my senses concentrate in him, his smell, his look, his very movement, even the sound of his breathing, which was almost inaudible for my weak ears.

Inhaling deeply, I closed the front door and turned to face Jacob again who stood a little lost in the hallway, his eyes filled with worry, staring at me. Unable to speak a single word, I mentioned for him to go to the kitchen and he obeyed, apparently lucky to be able to move and keep himself from looking at me.

"Take a seat. Do you want anything? Drink, eat?" I asked nervously as he sat down in the chair which used to be occupied by Charlie and I was painfully reminded of the last time we had talked exactly here.

I tried to push that thought away, though. This situation turned out to be harder than I thought in the first place.

"No, thanks. Bella, could you sit down. You make me…. nervous, when you're walking around like that."

"Sure, sorry," I said quickly and fell back into my former sitting position, the almost empty bowl still in front of me.

"How do you feel?

"A little... stoned... But other than that.. tired... but fine...," I said and the akwardness was confusing and intimidating.

"Bella, I know this is hard, but we really do have to talk. And I think it´s better now than later," Jacob broke the silence after a few seconds and I forced myself to meet his gaze, a clinging pressure in my chest making it hard to breathe.

All I could do was nod again and so he continued, his fingers slightly shaking, clearly for me to see since he had rested his hand on the table. No secrets – not anymore.

"Well, Bella… I'm just going to spit it out, alright? It´s… it´s hard enough… Bells…. I… I want you to be a part of my life. No matter how… And I want you to know that I am willing to pay a high prize for that. I will not ask you to feel about me in any way you don´t want. I can be everything you want me to be and I won't force you into anything, as long as you are a part of my life. All I want is for you to… to see me."

The last words almost disappeared in a heavy sigh by Jacob and the loud sound of my heart beating in my head.

"Jake… I do see you. And... I need you. I want you, too. Just…," I stuttered, amazed by my own strength to just answer him like that. It wasn't easy at all, but it was necessary. This time I would not let my weakness destroy what little we had left. For once I had to fight.

"I know, Bella. The question is, what you see…"

"I have no idea, Jake… It´s…. kind of blurry."

"Bella, I know that you know all to well what I would want you to see, but I want you to know that I don´t want you to be influenced by that… you know that, right?"

He sounded sad and desperate in a way, telling me to ignore his will and at the same time wanting so much for me to ignore this very demand.

"I know… And I know what you want me to see when I look at you… My future… And Jake, I would… more than anything I wish I could see that…."

"But you can't…"

I nodded again, still facing him and the sadness in his face.

"It´s okay, Bells… We'll see what is going to happen… Bella… I… there are two questions I need to ask, but.. they are… a little uncomfortable… so, I will not… can I ask you?"

"Of course, Jake."

"Well, first… I know that…. Well… that night, Bella… "

He trailed off and silenced, my mind spinning around, bombarding me with the too vivid memories of said night.

"Bella, we can pretend it never happened, but we need to settle that now. Just this once and then we can forget it forever… please, just tell me what I can do to make it undone," he said with despair in his voice, the fear to loose me once again present in his every breath. It hurt me to see him this vulnerable again and so I reached out my hand and covered his with mine, feeling the slight tremble underneath my skin.

"You can't. None of us can. It happened and we can change nothing about it now. And Jake…. I don´t want to pretend it never happened. It did… It´s part of who we are now… we don´t have to make a big deal out of it – but we don´t, and I can't, forget it and just pretend it didn't happen…. And Jake… I already told you before, but… don´t blame yourself.. Quil… he told me everything… please Jake," I said, squeezing his hand a little tighter, "don´t take all the guilt for yourself."

This time it was Jacob to simply nod and I felt him relief a little underneath my touch.

"What was the other question you anted to ask?"

He hesitated and looked deep into my eyes as if to check whether or not it was safe to ask.

"Well, it has to do with something you said… last time…" He seemed to be as anxious as I was when it came to our last real conversation and I started to brush my thumb over his dark skin in order to calm him down a little, encouraging him to go on.

"You.. you said that… that we were never friends… What did you mean by that, Bella?"

This was something I had expected. At the time the words had just shot out of my mouth without me having thought about them really. But afterwards they seemed to make more sense than I originally had thought of.

"Because… we were never friends. Not really – I mean do you remember a time when there wasn't something hanging over us? Something I wanted to say but didn't, something you wanted to say but couldn't…. I can't do it anymore. I can't go on pretending to me, to you, to everybody else around us that we are friends. We all know better. I know that you don´t want to be my friend. You know more than anybody what you want. And everybody else can see how we are lying all the time… And after all I know that what I feel for you I not friendship. We all know…. I can't go on lying…You are my best friend, but we are not friends…"

For a while there was only silence, the two of us looking into each others eyes, no words necessary at the moment.

"Then what are we now?"

And for the first time I knew the answer to that question. That question which seemed to surround us every second we spent together.

"_Us_, Jake. We are _us_. And that's all that matters at the moment. As you said, we are part of each other's lives. And I am sure we'll figure everything out… somehow… someday. Let the other's believe what they want. Friends, dating, no matter what… All that matters is _us_."

* * *

So, I hope you liked the way this turned out. Tell me if you did, but also tell me if you didn´t. It´ll just help me to get better.

**"Because… we were never friends. Not really – I mean do you remember a time when there wasn't something hanging over us? Something I wanted to say but didn't, something you wanted to say but couldn't…. I can't do it anymore."** - This is a quote from the TV-show _Everwood_, so very obviously not written by me ;-) I just thought it fits so incredibly well...


	13. The One And Only – Is It The Only One?

You guys are **lucky** that I had no homwork and nothing to study for today ;-)

I wrote the beginning for this a few days ago and was so glad that I could finfish it today and **share it with you**.

**I hope you like it ;-)**

* * *

The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

**Anon**

**----------------------  
**

Three days had passed since Bella and I had finally talked about everything. Three days in which the world seemed to have come to the peace I had been longing for way too long. Three days in which we had been closer than ever before, if only in our minds. Three days I would never forget.

She was still rather fragile and whenever we were closer to each other, in the car or just sitting on the couch in our houses in front of the television, I could clearly hear her heart beating uneven and faster than usual.

There was still something wrong with her, but she seemed to either don´t feel it or pretend not to. But there clearly was something different. Something in her weak smile and laughter, still foreign to her body, was different than before, more alive and – life seemed to generally erupt from everything she did or said. This might have been a happy development, but it was also unexpected and especially from Bella, it was – strange. Even before that leech had torn her apart she had, as far as I could tell and remember, never been the definition of _alive_. She had always been rather calm and into herself – not this… glowing. It made me worry.

She ignored all those worries, maybe she didn't even realize them since I kept them to myself, not wanting to upset her and by that risk this newfound peace.

We had been spending every second together since that morning in her kitchen. Every single second of our lives – spent _together_. We had been to the beach, watching TV – nothing really special, but just… normal. _Together_.

I would never push her again, never confront her with my true feelings. I knew she knows about it. What I really want deep in my heart. But never again would I let my emotions be the cause of her pain. Nothing was worth her pain…

---------

"Jake? Hey – earth to Jake!"

Her voice, soft as the bells to which I always compared her, brought me back to reality, ripping me out of my trance with a torturing violence, soothing as her smell, which had also changed since I had last seen her. It was slightly sweeter now, like honey or caramel in a way, but more natural – on the whole still the most adorable scent in the world.

"Jake? Are you alright?"

Only now did I realize her standing right next to me, her hands resting on her thin waist, her eyes almost on the same height as mine even though I was kneeling on the floor next to my tool box, absent-mindedly searching for my bench vice which had been lost for a while.

"I´m fine, Bells. Just in thought."

I offered her a smile, the brightest I could conjure and she mirrored it immediately although hers tented to look a little more like a grin.

"What about?"

The grin still etched upon her face, Bella was now leaning her back against the old wooden counter of my garage, her chin slightly stretched into the air, her hands still glued to her waist. She looked oddly ridiculous.

"Well, I think you're way too curious for your own good, Bells," I said with a mocking tone as I rose to my feet again, making all her efforts to seem bigger and stronger impossible to succeed.

Still careful to keep up a certain distance, I stepped a little closer to her, breathing in deeply through my nose, inhaling her sweet scent, my mind spinning like mad.

"I don´t think so. I rather think you should tell me all your –"

"Dirty little secrets?"

I cocked an eyebrow as I said that and she mirrored it again before we both burst into laughter, both of us soon pressing ours hands against our stomach even though mine did not really hurt since the muscles there were used to more exhausting things than laughing. It was merely a reflex.

"I'm not sure I really want to know all that," Bella said between her laughter, the words barely understandable.

"Be sure of that."

We continued to laugh for a while and I was just unbelievably happy that we could share this moment. This blissful moment of careless contentment. After all these months of fixing her, trying to make her see the possibility of herself, of a future without that leech, after all the problems we had, the threat that my own feelings might destroy what little we had – after all this time we were finally able to spent the time together we both longed for, we both deserved. Without worries, or doubts or second thoughts. No matter what we were – at this moment right now, we were Jake and Bells - _happy_.

"So… what were you thinking about? You looked really absent," Bella asked after a few minutes which seemed to pass in only a few seconds and still, last for a century.

I met her eyes and once again lost myself in their depths, their warmth and kindness. If only she could see herself through my eyes Just for a second – it would be enough. Enough to make her see who she was to me. What she could be to herself. But that was, after all, impossible. So – I would have to make her realize what exactly I saw.

"Well, actually I was thinking about you. About us… well about… how things are now… how different and changed they are. How changed you are…. Well, in a very good way, though," I added before she could take those words in a wrong way. Her smile faded slightly, but it did not leave her eyes and she listened to me, granting me all of her attention.

"You changed so much… things between us… it´s… it is so easy, all of a sudden. So – happy and… well it seems like this is the way things should be going. Finally. You know what I mean?"

I started to stumble over my own words and ended the sentence right there in order not to make a fool of myself, a little intimidated by the entire situation. Me – intimidated. That was quite a contrast.

Bella nodded slowly and I remembered my rhetorical question, delighted and relieved by the smile which was still etched onto her pale face.

"I know what you mean. You changed, too."

For a moment I thought about telling her what exactly I meant by "changing" concerning herself, meaning not the way she behaved towards me now and our relationship on the whole, but rather her physical and psychic transformation in general which seemed to grow more and more apparent by each second. But she erased the thought from my mind when she pushed her tiny frame away from the counter and stepped towards me, her small feet only carrying her a little with each step.

We weren´t that far apart but it seemed to be a thousand miles once I realized where she was heading. And when she finally stood in front of me, her head bent back into her neck in order to see me, I felt my heart explode with the overwhelming scent and beauty that she offered me.

Again I could clearly hear her heart beating as rapid as it used to over the last days, even faster now, forming an uneasy melody with my own. There was a glow in her eyes and the moment her hand touched mine, I could have sworn to feel how unsteady her pulse was – how… everything seemed to be there – twice…double… too much…

"Bells…"

"No, please just… don´t say anything right now."

Her voice was plain and quiet and seemed to be filled with as much thought as my own mind, but hers seemed to be directed elsewhere.

The soft touch of her rather cold fingers around my burning skin was torture on the one side, knowing that it did not meant what it could have, and still – everything I wanted, something I would trade all my belongings, even my soul for. If just for a second of this.

A few seconds passed though, yes even a minute. We just stood there, looking into each other's eyes, both of us thinking with two separated mind, in two directions. I tried to block the changes which were so present, she was thinking hard, her forehead creased.

As I realized how precious this moment was, how easily this could be the first and last time, the only moment – I moved my fingers a little within her soft grasp and held on to her delicate fingers, feeling the softness of her skin, swearing to myself to keep all this in my mind until age took _it_ or death took _me_.

The moment I answered her shy touch the expression on Bella's face changed, the strange sound and feel of her heart and body adjusting and before I knew it, her hand left mine again.

"I… I have to go… Charlie, he'll…. Bye, Jake. See you."

And with a flash, she was gone again, heading out of my garage, apparently concentrating hard on not to trip over the various tools which covered the ground, disappearing into the bright light that flooded the room from outside – all before I had a chance to realize what had happened.

I did not follow her. I knew I shouldn't. And so I just stood there, my hand still formed as if hers was still placed in mine, my eyes fixed on where she had disappeared, my ears vaguely perceiving the roaring sound of the old truck, my heart almost as rapid as her own… hers… mine… ours…


	14. Some Things Sometimes Need Some Time

I am **so sorry** that I need so long to update lately, but I really have a lot of stress in school - but that will be over soon. And then I **will try to update more often**.

I actually wrote this **out of guilt** even though I need to study for my text on Wednesday - well, I really needed some time off.

So, I hope you bare with me and enjoy this.

* * *

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.

**Elbert Hubbard**

**---------------------------------  
**

I just stood there, frozen apart from my body's temperature which was so very far from icy. Everything seemed so quiet and serene for a little while – in an ironic way even peaceful. There were no sounds, no movements, no scents – all my senses gone or at least out of my control. Not even my mind seemed to work properly. Neither joy nor sadness – not a single emotion touched me. It was just the row being inside of me, the little string that separates life from death.

And then it hit me.

She was gone again.

What struck me even more than that truth was the fact that this time I had no explanation. She seemed to slip through my fingers all too often and each time I would blame that leech for leaving her like this or myself for pushing her too far, for stepping over certain boundaries to which she held on to so desperately, for showing my feelings just a little too much.

But now there was no way for me to understand, no valid reason for her to leave once again, taking herself out of my life another time, leaving me here on my own with nothing to explain this trance-like state I was in. Nothing to hold onto.

What had I done wrong this time? Why did there never seem to be a way to make it right between the two of us?

I was patient and I knew I would always be. There was a simple thing that made me go on, that carried me through all this mess. It was knowing that the wait was worth it. One day, no matter how far from now, she would see, figure out what she had right in front of her. But from to time, especially in times like these in which I could not explain, I felt a little doubt boil somewhere in my heart – some place I had no control over, though it was not subconsciousness. I was just beyond me. The doubt that maybe I was not string enough to make her strong – to make her see sense, offer her what she really needed. Maybe, after all, I wasn't really what her life should be – I knew I wanted it, I knew that deep down she wanted it, too, I knew that, if I continued my path we would eventually be one day – but what I doubted in moments like these was the question whether or not it was really how things should be like. But somehow – no matter how wrecked up this whole things was – we always managed to go on, refusing to let go of what little we had.

And so I fought hard to keep those doubts out of my mind, the wish for what could be, if I was only strong enough, too strong itself, too controlling. It was all I wanted. There were a million things I could name which I could live without – things that were unessential, dull to me – but only one thing I knew I could never ever live without.

"Jake? You in there?"

I was back to reality in a flash, all my tensed muscles releasing at once, all my senses focusing again, organising all the lost details, everything I had missed during the short time since Bella's sudden departure.

"Jake?"

Apart from all my returning senses – my voice seemed lost somewhere in the blur of thoughts and rough signs of my beating heart and life-proving activities. I only now realized that my eyes were fixed on the door of my garage and not a second passed before I saw Quil appearing in the doorframe, his shorts hanging rather low on his hips, his white shirt in his hands – he had obviously just phased back. The look on his face was plain, somehow annoyed and before he stepped into my garage he turned his head over his shoulder and yelled into somewhere I could not see: "He's in here, man."

I heard a muffled sound, something that sounded like swearing and a second later Embry tripped into view, his hands busy with pulling his sweatpants back into place.

"Hey, Jake. Couldn't you just an – what's the matter with you? Did Quil drop his pants or why do you look as if you just faced your worst nightmare?"

The grin on his face vanished just as he finished his question and entered behind Quil, stepping half behind, half next to him, eying me with sudden concern.

"You okay? We saw Bella jump in her car. She looked just like you – everything alright between the two of you?"

Quil´s expression was serious but I recognized the way his voice was shaking, higher and deeper with each word, telling me that asking this question was still difficult for him. Apart from all the honest conversation we had had a few days ago, the topic "Bella" was still something that caused struggles between us – all of us. Not only Quil.

"It´s fine. Really. Just a little trouble. What do you want?" I asked, trying hard to maintain my mask – a a mask I had put on so often since Bella stepped into my life.

"You sure?" Embry asked almost shyly, his body partly hidden behind Quil´s.

I only nodded and turned around, away from them, from their faces – in some way I was scared. Scared that they would understand, see what was really going on. But I knew all too well that they already did – that there was nothing I could really hide from any of them for a longer time. That was something I still had to get used to – something I would probably never accept. The interference to my private life – my thoughts – it was inhuman and disgracing. Thoughts, dreams, visions – all that should be the only things in the world, no matter how immaterial they are, to belong to no one else but you – human kind's last real secret. Everything seemed to be so much easier when kept in your mind, away from the brutal and unsparing influence of words and actions. As soon as spoken out nothing could ever be a secret again, never be unmade. But this was taken from me, this very last shelter from the inner war that ruled the world of mankind. I was an open book, nothing about or inside of me ever mine alone.

"Well, anyways – we just came to check on you. Sam said you left patrol early last night and – yeah, well you know him. Maybe you should talk to him," Quil said in a matter-of-fact voice, almost mechanically only to avoid the subject he knew I would refuse to discuss, neither did I think was he too eager to once again listen to my torn and confused mind, filled with anger, pain and passion – all mixed together until I could not be sure myself what I actually felt.

"I will, later," I said calmly, my voice just as plain as Quil´s had been.

It took me another minute of silence before I had to give in to the recognition that trying to avoid my best friends by staring at the shiny hood of my Rabbit was first of all childish, secondly cowardly and thirdly completely in vain. The knew already – so why trying to pretend they didn't and hide in such a pathetic way?

I turned around to face them again only to see that neither of them had moved an inch since I last looked. Embry was staring at me and the moment I turned around our eyes met and I immediately felt a strange and foreign warmth running through my veins, a connection I had never felt towards him before. It was almost like looking into a mirror, a strange reflection of the way I was feeling visible in Embry´s features and I wondered whether or not I looked like this as well. We did not break eye-contact, instead we just kept staring at each other – or better: at ourselves.

"Damn, I'm late already!"

Quil´s voice broke the silence and the eye-contact. I mustered Quil who was suddenly very eagerly trying to pull his shirt over his head while already stumbling toward the door.

"I need ti go. Sam ordered me – Emily's nieces are coming over for a visit and they're going to the beach. So Sam ordered me to look after them. He's so overprotecting sometimes, man. I swear that guy will turn out to be one of those monster-dad's who follow their daughters everywhere and do polygraph test with their boyfriends. Anyways, you can be sure I'll just end up babysitting those girls – and you both now how much I adore toddlers. What are their names again? Stella and Clara?"

Quil talked so fast that it was hard for me to really catch what he tried to tell me and his still shirt-covered mouth did not help the slightest – it only made the disgusted sound he made after his toddler-comment sound even more ridiculous.

"Claire, Quil. Her name is Claire," Embry said with an evil grin on his face and when Quil finally managed to put on his shirt properly he turned to face us again.

"Well, who cares? I'll better hurry up or Sam will kick the shit out of me. See you!" he blurted out and then he disappeared.

"Sometimes I think he's really scared of Sam," Embry said with a shy laughter and I turned to face him again, the grin on his face vanishing again.

"You really okay, Jake?"

"I don´t know, really. But it will be okay. I know that much."

"Why did she leave? Did you fight?"

Normally I would have avoided those questions but the honest concern in Embry´s eyes and the strange connection I saw in his eyes softened my mood.

"I have no idea, to be honest. But it´s okay, Embry. I'll figure it out."

Embry eyed me with doubt for a second before he apparently settled with my answer and nodded.

"We haven't really talked in ages, man. I'm really sorry. All this – it´s kinda growing over my head," I said with a smile on my lips, attempting to appear a little more content than I actually felt.

"It´s okay. Totally understand that."

"So… what's there with you and Leah? Why are all the other's bugging you with that? Leah just block as usual and you – you just don´t do anything. What's going on there?"

Embry´s expression broke down at my words and his eyes dropped to the rather dirty floor of my garage. "There's nothing," he muttered and buried his hands in the pockets of his sweats. I knew he was lying – it was all too obvious and so I stepped a little closer and put my hand on his left shoulder.

"Hey, man. Tell me you don´t want to talk about it – I'll accept that. But don´t lie, okay?"

Hesitantly he lifted his head to face me again and the pain in his eyes made me shudder.

"I… well… I like her… a lot… somehow… Jake… I have no idea… maybe… I guess I fell…. Well, you know… it´s all so… I think… I love her… somehow…"


	15. Things We Know

And once again it took me **forever to update**. But I have summer break now and plenty of time to write, a lot of ideas and a guilty conscious. Therefor you can **count on more updates** ;-)

**Enjoy this :-)**

* * *

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.

**Edmund Burke**, _A Philosophical Inquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful_

_------------------------------------------- _

I couldn´t grasp - couldn´t understand - couldn´t see, my senses somewhere lost along the way, stuck with my mind right where I had left my heart - lost, alone. It was beyond me - everything, nothing was clear, all blurred and strangely intertwined until the web was too thick, too narrow to climb trough - too valuable to destroy, even if I had had any weapons for the cause.

The only emotion I felt was the confusion about feeling only that, a vicious circle I was trapped in - it surrounded me, held onto me, penetrated me. It was only me - me alone, me without anything that could bring me back. But back where? I did not even know myself. All I knew was that all this, this whole situation seemed to be - no, was - my fault. There was nothing I could go back to. I had been nothing before so I could not return into this nothingness.

And it was still my fault.

My ancient truck stopped in front of my house and I could not even consciously remember to ever get into the car or actually driving it home. The last thing I remembered was the feeling of Jacob´s insanely hot skin against my hand and how _right_ it had suddenly felt to just stand there with him, holding his hand. No doubt this time, no aching in my chest - nothing. Suddenly it had seemed as if that was exactly how things should be. It had never felt that way before. Usually it would hurt - knowing that I made him hope - knowing that it was kind of a betrayal. But not this time. _Jacob and Bella_. That was all that had been. No one else.

And _that_ was wrong. We were never alone. I was never alone. So why now? Now that we had agreed - agreed to what? In fact there was nothing we had agreed on except continuing with something we had no words for. _Us_ - yes. But what were _we_ exactly?

More important was, however, the question what I _wanted_ us to be. I knew very exactly what Jacob wanted, but that helped nothing at all. It just made things worse, the knowledge that his happiness was so tightly bound to my decision. A decision I could not put off forever.

One day I would have to decide. And it would be the day I would either make or break Jacob Black.

That day did not seem too far away now.

My body was unusually quiet, nothing too fast or present. In fact, I felt strangely normal. Better than I had in a long time. At least physically. Different - almost too good concerning my state of mind.

What was going on?

I suddenly felt ashamed, now that my memories returned. Ashamed and guilty for just running away, leaving Jacob wondering. Because he sure did. There had been no valid reason for my departure. Yet another stab into his heart. He did not deserve this. _I_ did not deserve him.

For a second I thought about starting the car and driving back to La Push, just forgetting about what had happened. But I let go of that thought immediately. I had forgotten too often in these past months and for once, this was too important to forget about. I had to think. I needed to know what I wanted. The problem was that I _did_ know what I wanted - at least to some extant. I did not want to hurt Jacob. But that wish included his own - the one I was not sure of being able to give him.

_Me_.

Clumsy as always I made my way out of my truck, carefully stepping onto the road. There was a feeling of security in my chest that was new, that was foreign, that I did not understand but which I also knew I should not ignore. Somehow I felt more aware of myself. More alive.

The wind was harsh, different than it had been this morning when I had left for La Push and my skin ached under the icy blow, my hair flying in front of my eyes. While cautiously walking towards the house I noticed that Charlie´s police cruiser was not parked in front of the house and that caught my attention. He had taken the day off and when I had left he had still been deeply asleep. I was always worried whenever Charlie had to leave on a free day, since that could only mean that there was an emergency. You could never know...

Banning those thoughts from my head I unlocked the door and stepped into the house, thankful for the warmth inside, the nonexistence of wind. My footsteps echoed quietly in the mostly empty front room and the dull, rainy gray light from outside was mirrored in here, dreary and dismal.

"Dad?" I called, just out of habit and curiosity but as expected there was no answer to my call.

I let the door fall closed behind me and peeked into the living room only to find it empty. Somehow I couldn´t stop reassuring. It just felt necessary.

With a sigh I went into the kitchen but before I could really enter it I froze in the door frame. Something was definitely wrong.

An half-empty bowl of cereals stood there on the table, the spoon dropped mindlessly next to it, milk splatters all over the surface, the chair shoved back in a haste, standing in a strange angle at the table. My chest clenched painfully and I felt fear inside me. I tried to calm my breathing and let my eyes wander through the room. The phone was dropped on the kitchen counter, dangerously close to falling off the edge.

I swallowed and stepped into the kitchen, for some reason afraid even though I could not really tell why. After all, if I stopped allowing my fear to judge, it looked just as if someone had left the house in a haste. But somehow... something told me that there was more to this than just an urgency.

With numb fingers I picked up the phone and put it back into the station, goose bumps raising on my skin as my fingertips brushed against the cool counter surface.

Was it intuition which made me feel so anxious? I felt so terribly in charge of everything, as if I had to do anything possible without even knowing what it was I could actually do.

The clock ticked in the back of my head, my consciousness only barely noticing the sound as I walked blindly towards the sink to drench a paper tissue. The cold water made me shiver again and for the tiniest fragment of a second I felt dizzy and unconsciousness threatened to overcome me. But before I could even tell if the feeling was real or just imagined it was already gone. I shook my head in disbelief and wrenched the tissue between my fingers until it stopped dripping. Each drop which landed in the sink in the process sounded unnaturally loud and urgent - almost like a countdown.

As I walked to the table I suddenly felt pathetic, too. I was going paranoid. It would not surprise me should I be sick within the next few days. I felt so different. And a growing disease somewhere inside me seemed the most plausible explanation for me.

As I cleaned the milk-covered table the feeling of company would not leave me. It felt strange... but I did not feel alone in here.

The cold, damp paper tissue in my hand felt uncomfortable as it soaked the milk and when the table surface was clean again I dropped it into the trash can. I had to bow slightly and when I moved to straighten myself again my back ached a little right over my tail bone. Was I already growing that old... I banned that thought from my mind immediately and quickly went back to the table, grabbing the spoon and dropping it back into the bowl.

I still wondered about the cause of this mess as I carried the bowl and spoon over to the counter. Charlie might not be the born housewife, but this...

Then several things happened at the same time and afterwards I was not able to tell which one happened first. Somewhere in the house a door fell closed, the sound loud and piercing in the silence. My fingers forgot their duty and the cereal bowl slipped out of them, shattering on the kitchen floor. The former feeling of company crept through my mind as my heartbeat increased, my fingers now trembling with a mix of fear and curiosity.

I stepped over the shards and splatters on the floor, careful neither to trip nor to come in too close contact with the broken ceramic, and left the kitchen.

Something was wrong - I could sense that as I walked up the stairs. Why I walked so unerringly towards my room was another question but something, intuition, told me so and I could not refuse. As expected the door to my room was closed even though I always let it open when leaving in the morning. Fear won control over curiosity now but I had enough control over myself to push the handle down with trembling fingers and a shiver in my spine.

I swallowed before pushing the door open very slowly.

The first thing I saw was also the one which explained the closed door. But it also caused my chest and stomach to clench. My window was open, heavy wind having thrown the door closed. I took one step inside my room and let my eyes wander around slowly, burning every image into my head.

Except for the open window everything looked the same as it had after I left this morning. Some papers on my desk were lying on the floor, cast all over the desk´s surface - but that was due to the wind. The wind – it was so cold and piercing and I the feeling of nausea could be the easiest to compare with how I felt at that moment.

I went to the window and eyed the nearby tree as well as the ground below. Nothing...

When I turned around something did catch my eye, though. Something that showed me that the window had not opened itself.

The was a piece of green fabric trapped between the two doors of my closet. Only an inch wide, almost invisible. No one would have noticed. But I recognized _this_. And it was usually hidden somewhere in the depths of my closet - nowhere near the doors.

At least: _I_ never put it there...


End file.
